The Daily Scream

News and Culture with a Twist

Designer Testicles Give Neutered Pups New Life

September 3rd, 2010

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LOS ANGELES – Has your puppy been moping around the house since he was neutered? Apparently veterinarians and dog psychologists think so. Now there’s hope with a new product on the market: Neuticles, prosthetic dog testicles for your pooch. Getting in on the trend of pet owners doting on their dog’s “feelings,” there’s no need for your dog to feel less of a male.  “ The canine marketers certainly didn’t  drop the ball on this one.  They saw a need and they filled it,” said Stella Swazy, owner of  Petco, a top supplier of the ready made product.  “ There were lines around the block. We couldn’t keep the balls in stock,” she continued.  Some dog owners even identify with their neutered pups. “My husband was so upset he was limping around the house like it had happened to him,” said Gena Myers.  “I thought I had ruined Shaggy’s life forever,” admits Jim Myers. But now, he’s got his balls back.

Research studies on the product showed a 75% elevation in the dogs moods after receiving their neuticles.  The procedure only requires a local anesthetic. “ I was thrilled to see Chauncy humping his doggy bed and chasing females again.  Even though he was shooting blanks, he was still going at it,” said Amy Fugal, owner of a 1 year old bloodhound. And the results were astonishing.  “ At first I thought this was another ploy to get my money, but it really does work. Jasper (Jack Russell terrier) nearly tore my hand off when I went near his food bowl,” said pet owner Alan Fishoff.

Dog psychologists believe that the effect of neuticles reach far beyond the “male” factor alone. “Because the dog is happier, the whole family benefits,” said Dr. Martin Meehan of Cornell University Veterinary School in Ithaca, New York.

Neuticles are sold in a variety of sizes from tea cup Chihuahas to Great Danes. They have the feel of real fur testicles.  “They’re even aerodynamically correct.  You can tell by the way they swing when Nigel runs. Just like normal balls,” said Nancy Screwitt, owner of Jack, a 10 month old Bassett Hound. But if you really want to fit your dog with set of custom balls that match the exact fur color and shape, they can be had at your local veterinarian for a tidy price of $3500.“ People just want to see their dogs licking their balls. It’s comforting, just like apple pie,” said veterinarian Dr. Joe Testes. The moral of the story: it’s great to have balls at any price. Now that’s “cohones.”

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