BATON ROUGE - Just days after Tony Hayward’s demise, Walmart launched an exclusive line of oil slick bathing attire. Yes, the big box retailer is stepping outside the box and putting its toes in dangerous waters. With summer vacation in full swing and hotel rooms a steal, what could be more alluring than having your family show off their new environmentally safe bathing attire. Holding a press conference on the beach, Tony Hayward modeled the new beachwear and spoke about its environmental assets. Using the the moniker, “Wick the Slick,” the suits mimic a wetsuit, a head to toe second skin made from sustainable materials. “You get a great aerodynamic glide in the water,” said one tester. Another tester said, ” I could actually see the oil wick away from my body.” Scientists feel this new material could be the breakthrough they’ve been searching for. “We are discussing the idea of creating giant sheets of the fabric to wick the slick away into holding containers. Either it will work or it will be the world’s largest bathing suit floating out there in the ocean,” said Herbert Hoodish, head product development scientist for Speedo, the manufacturer.
Eager vacationers made a an early run on the store as kids paraded up and down the aisles in an array of hot flourescent colors. “Now I can surf the slick!” screamed one teenager. ” Now my babies don’t have to be afraid of the water,” said Ida May Louis from New Orleans. But not all customers were pleased. “They look like space aliens,” said one angered customer. ” Who would want to swim in that cesspool?” commented another.
Rumor has it that British Petroleum funded the deal. With their stock prices plummeting, they saw a way to “cap” the bleeding. There are even suits for birds and wildlife. “Sometimes, you just have to do bad to do good,” said an unidentified senior official. If that’s the kind of thinking that got them here, what can one say? Sometimes you just have to wonder.