The Daily Scream

News and Culture with a Twist

Serial Monogomist Meets Free Spirit

October 5th, 2011

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This is edited text of my first stand up comedy act, performed for the first time on October 3, 2011 for  Good Humor Comedy,  at Mom’s Bar in Santa Monica, CA.

Tonight, on The Life of Jill, “Serial Monogomist Meets Free Spirit.”

First, allow me to confess. I am 70 years old. I’m a sex addict and I’m dating a 32 year old.

Seventy years old and still trying to get the love thing right.

With all the wrong guys. (How many wrongs does it take to get it right?)

But love is blind makes smart people dumb.

I’ll admit it. I’ve been attracted to the eccentric crazies. And this time I’ve hit the jackpot.

I couldn’t have done better if I’d walked onto the Psychiatric ward at Bellvue and hand picked him myself.

“Oh, there’s an attractive guy. He seems to be slaying imaginary dragons while holding cogent conversations with six imaginary people. I’ll take HIM. That’s my guy. Sign me up.” Or sign me in.

Toss in a dash of schizophrenia and you’ve got the banana split of mental disorders.

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May 28th, 2011

A picture is worth a thousand words. Need we say more :)

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Cow Jumps Fence on Way to Slaughter

December 31st, 2010

Cow Jumps Fence on Way to Slaughter

Cow Jumps Fence on Way to Slaughter

MARYVILLE, KANSAS – In a highly unusual turn of events, a black and white cow jumped a fence and broke away from the herd on its way to slaughter.  “I’ve never seen anything like it. They were all making their way down the shoot, just like they normally do when she just took a leap,” said Jethro Apple, owner of  Where’s the Beef, Inc., one of the nation’s largest suppliers of beef products.  [Read more →]

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Will Roadkill Wraps Put Martha Stewart in the Green?

December 5th, 2010

BEDFORD, N.Y. -  Following the huge success of  SPLAT!, Martha Stewart’s roadkill clean up product, MSO announced a new fashion line called  “Roadkill Wraps.”

Instead of  recycling dead animals back into the soil, Martha had a vision.
“We could be designing great outerwear and putting them to good use without getting hunted down by the humane society,” she said to her board of  advisors.

Branded under the MSG (Martha Stewart Green) clothing line, these  eco-friendly wraps will launch in tandem with New York fall fashion lines.  So far, consumer testing has  been positive.    [Read more →]

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Designer Testicles Give Neutered Pups New Life

September 3rd, 2010

LOS ANGELES – Has your puppy been moping around the house since he was neutered? Apparently veterinarians and dog psychologists think so. Now there’s hope with a new product on the market: Neuticles, prosthetic dog testicles for your pooch. Getting in on the trend of pet owners doting on their dog’s “feelings,” there’s no need for your dog to feel less of a male.  “ The canine marketers certainly didn’t  drop the ball on this one.  They saw a need and they filled it,” said Stella Swazy, owner of  Petco, a top supplier of the ready made product.  “ There were lines around the block. We couldn’t keep the balls in stock,” she continued.  Some dog owners even identify with their neutered pups. “My husband was so upset he was limping around the house like it had happened to him,” said Gena Myers.  “I thought I had ruined Shaggy’s life forever,” admits Jim Myers. But now, he’s got his balls back.

Research studies on the product showed a 75% elevation in the dogs moods after receiving their neuticles.  The procedure only requires a local anesthetic. “ I was thrilled to see Chauncy humping his doggy bed and chasing females again.  Even though he was shooting blanks, he was still going at it,” said Amy Fugal, owner of a 1 year old bloodhound. And the results were astonishing.  “ At first I thought this was another ploy to get my money, but it really does work. Jasper (Jack Russell terrier) nearly tore my hand off when I went near his food bowl,” said pet owner Alan Fishoff.

Dog psychologists believe that the effect of neuticles reach far beyond the “male” factor alone. “Because the dog is happier, the whole family benefits,” said Dr. Martin Meehan of Cornell University Veterinary School in Ithaca, New York.

Neuticles are sold in a variety of sizes from tea cup Chihuahas to Great Danes. They have the feel of real fur testicles.  “They’re even aerodynamically correct.  You can tell by the way they swing when Nigel runs. Just like normal balls,” said Nancy Screwitt, owner of Jack, a 10 month old Bassett Hound. But if you really want to fit your dog with set of custom balls that match the exact fur color and shape, they can be had at your local veterinarian for a tidy price of $3500.“ People just want to see their dogs licking their balls. It’s comforting, just like apple pie,” said veterinarian Dr. Joe Testes. The moral of the story: it’s great to have balls at any price. Now that’s “cohones.”

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Bathing Suits that “Wick the Slick”

August 12th, 2010

BATON ROUGE -  Just days after Tony Hayward’s demise, Walmart launched an exclusive line of oil slick bathing attire. Yes, the big box retailer is stepping outside the box and putting its toes in dangerous waters. With summer vacation in full swing and hotel rooms a steal, what could be more alluring than having your family show off their new environmentally safe bathing attire. Holding a press conference on the beach, Tony Hayward modeled the new beachwear and spoke about its environmental assets. Using the the moniker, “Wick the Slick,” the suits mimic a wetsuit, a head to toe second skin made from sustainable materials. [Read more →]

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Ex-Citicorp, Morgan Stanley, Merrill Lynch Toppers Form Alliance

June 1st, 2010

(Written before the “fall” of September 2008)

NEW YORK – The powerful trio that toppled three giants in the financial industry have formed a new entity, The Havoc Group. “ I guess three big losers are better than one. Put them together and who knows what else they can take down,” said an industry insider.

Charles Prince (former Citi-Corp CEO), Stan O’Neal (former Merrill Lynch CEO), and John Mack, (former Morgan Stanley CEO) issued a joint statement insisting that subprime mortgages need to continue for the good of the economy.

Nigel Tap, Associate Professor at the London School of Economics explains, “Their departure was really premature.  In all three cases, they hadn’t had the chance to fulfill on the final phase of their business plans which would have given enormous value to millions of  homeowners.”

Sources say the new company is actively recruiting people to take on more subprime loans.  “ The lower the FICO the better. We’re really in business to help the needy,” said Alicia Diamond, VP of Public Relations for Havoc. Their aim is to reduce the disparity in home buying between the rich and the poor.  “ Your nanny deserves to live in a nice house too,” Prince said. Their company offers bilingual services.  But controversy looms large among consumers. “ Screw the nannies, how about the middle class that’s being flushed down the toilet?  We’ve got bad FICO’s  and we don’t shove our children off on nannies, no matter what language they speak,” whaled Bill Daly, owner of Backside Plumbing. Even though thousands of picketers toting foreclosure signs filled the financial district outside their new offices, no official statements have been issued by Havoc.

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